


STXII Drabbles

by waldorph



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Blanket Permission, Drabbles, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-08-04
Packaged: 2017-12-16 14:23:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 11,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/863025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waldorph/pseuds/waldorph
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>From the prompts over at tumblr</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: You were asking for STID ficlet-prompts and since your last post dispersed my worries over you not like Bones, my prompt would be: - the Bones-perspective throughout STID, and if that's too much then simply the scene where Bones has to deal with Jim's death (after all from what we've scene, he wasn't informed about what's happening, but simply confronted with Jim's corpse at one point...poor Bones!) Thx a lot!

He gets it. He does. 

He gets why Scott called for Spock: if Jim was gonna say good-bye to anyone on this fucking boat, it was going to be Spock. 

Plus, Leonard’d been up to his goddamn eyeballs in dead and dying crew, trying to hold them together while the fucking ship went into goddamn free-fall. 

But Spock goes off to get revenge, and it’s Uhura’s voice on the comm. He’s about to snap at her, fucking shut up, I’m busy, don’t you know what’s been—but it’s her voice. She sounds choked up, and so he stops for a second. Stops because there’s a woman crying on the other end of this comm line, and the ship just was impossibly saved. 

And he knows.

Jim’s dead. 

He doesn’t remember, after, going down to Engineering. Rezinski says she was shouting after him, but he doesn’t remember hearing her. He doesn’t remember much of it, just remembers staring at Jim. Jim, staring into nothing, arm outstretched, pressed up against the glass. 

And you could say it was because he wanted them to find him easily enough, and sure, that’d be—that’d be something Jim would do.

But mostly. Mostly Leonard sees the way he’s pressed himself into that corner, wedged himself as far away from death as he could get. Like he thought if he could just outrun it, one of them would save him. Like if he could just find them, he’d be okay. 

He wishes he could be angry. It would hurt less if he was angry, and he almost expects the voice behind him to jostle him, laugh and wheedle, but it’s—well. That voice has gone pretty definitively mute.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> littleletknown asked: Prompt: Chekov anything Chekov.

He has a small breakdown. He’s assured that it’s normal, and they’re all given mandatory counseling, but he feels—he’s 19. 

"Come on, then," Scotty says. “We’ll not do that again." 

They go out to the dock, where they’re repairing her. And he knows—he does, he knows it wasn’t his fault. She’d been tampered with, and maybe Scotty would have found it but Scotty left, abandoned her and Pavel had stayed. 

They work on her repairs in silence. Scotty is always there to make sure he’s up in the morning, and they go in together, but they don’t talk.

There are whole crews of engineers around them, and Scotty yells at them all, and Pavel just works, presses silent apologies into her warp core, along her coils and her code. 

"Shouldn’t have done that to you," Scotty says. “I should’ve stayed with her."

"Yes," Pavel agrees, because he cando a lot of things, but that doesn’t make them his responsibility. They’re only his when someone else is fucking up, and this time it was Scotty.

He redeemed himself at the end of the day, but that doesn’t mean Enterprise didn’t suffer for his tantrum.

"I left her," Scotty repeats, low and wounded, and Pavel looks at him and sees his own thoughts mirrored on Scotty’s face. Scotty, who laughs and does the impossible, who taught Pavel to do the impossible. 

They work on her together, because it’s not Pavel’s place to forgive Scotty, and it’s not Scotty’s place to reassure Pavel, but given time, the Enterprise will redeem them both. Will wipe away all of Pavel’s guilt, and she’ll hum under his fingers, and she’ll do the impossible for him—for them—because she loves them. Because they love her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lazulisong asked: winona finds out about the warp core incident and brings spock booze

"Can you get that?" Jim asks, one afternoon when Spock is—well, Dr. McCoy uses the term “babysitting" but Jim is not a baby. “It’s my mom."

The doorbell does not relent, and when he opens the door he is…astonished.

She is smaller than he expected, and he wonders if Jim took all of his fashion advice from his mother, down to the motorcycle Spock can see parked in the road.

He is not at all prepared for the way she launches herself at Jim speaks of affection he did not anticipate. The way Jim holds onto her, buries his face into her neck and falls apart is…

The stories of Winona Kirk are uniform. She is the widow forever grieving, and there is something terrible about her, but she is always defined by her husband, not her son.

Spock wonders now if that was deliberate: if by doing so she shielded Jim when he was a child, permitted him freedom to determine his own fate, to whatever end.

"You asshole," she’s whispering. “You fucking piece of shit."

"I’m grounded for a year," Jim tells her. “A whole year."

"That’s because we have to fix your fucking ship, baby," she says. “Because you break the things I give you." He laughs, dismissive, and heads to the kitchen.

"So, Spock. Hear you almost beat Harrison to death," she says, casually. He has no idea how to respond to her, but she laughs and pulls a bottle out of her bag, handing it to him.

The contents are a rich dark brown, and Spock recognizes it. Southern Vulcans brewed this and coveted it: he has not seen it since Vulcan was destroyed. He did not know any was still in existence. 

"The good shit, yeah. I figure you need it. At least he’s still alive," she says. “At least you got him back."

It takes him a moment, to realize the parallel she’s drawing. He wants to tell her he is not her, and Jim is not George. They are not—

"We are not—" he starts and she raises an eyebrow at him, smirking. Her cheekbones are sharp, and her eyes are Jim’s.

Jim, who is alive, and limping around his kitchen swearing at the synthesizer and singing to pop songs.

"Thank you," he says instead, and she smiles tightly before saying,

"Did you just _break_ that?" and heading into the kitchen to fix the smoking synthesizer.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> qserasera asked: I just want to read something about Kirk winning Spock a stuffed animal from an amusement park outing.

"It’s part of my therapy," Jim says. Spock eyes him, but he cannot argue that Dr. McCoy would not prescribe something so ridiculous. 

Still.

They are at a carnival outside of Riverside: Jim had wanted to go home, and Spock had followed because it was all so fresh, all so—because he needed to. 

But now they are here, outside of a booth which promises a large overstuffed bright orange bear if one can hit a series of targets.

"This game has been manipulated," Spock points out. The man behind the counter glares at him, and bears his gums. Spock turns to Jim. “Even an expert would only succeed 17% of the time."

"Spock, shut up," Jim says, and he is grinning, hand on Spock’s shoulder (and alive, alive, alive). Spock sighs and hands over his card to the toothless individual behind the counter, and Jim picks up the mock-rifle. 

He hits every single one of the small tin targets. 

Spock should have seen this coming.

The indignity of the thing is that Jim makes him carry the bear around, and that teenagers smirk at him knowingly. Spock suspects there are nuances to this which Jim is refusing to divulge.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cainangrey asked: prompt: throughout In To Darkness- Kirk is running on adrenaline. He hasn't really had the opportunity to mourn, panic, or, well, feel anything. After the film, Spock helps him deal

Jim…remembers this, actually. From last time. The crash. 

He kept going really—well. There were reports, and endless, endless reports, and then hearings, and review boards and helping Bones to bury the fact that he resuscitated Jim using Khan’s blood (because they’ve learned not to trust Starfleet, and nobody needs this shit)—after it all, Jim crashes. 

Last time, Bones banged on his door, and he’d gone out for coffee with Uhura, and drinks with Scotty, and to the gym with Sulu until he’d felt…human.

Last time, Jim hadn’t had Spock.

"Oh my god what is that?" Jim demands. 

Spock raises his eyebrow and drinks more of his disgusting tea. Seriously, Jim doesn’t remember even letting him in, but then, Spock hasn’t actually left Jim’s side. So it’s possible that Jim didn’t so much let him in as Spock…invited himself in. 

"You have been asleep for 75 hours," Spock reports.

"Why didn’t you wake me up?" Jim groans. He feels like he slept too long. His hips ache and his spine feels heavy, his head all fuzzy. He blinks, pulling himself up on his elbows. 

He’s not wearing a shirt.

He was definitely wearing a shirt when he came home. 

"Coffee," Spock says, and Jim smiles, involuntary, because coffee. It’s delicious and hot and brewed perfectly, not synthesized, not burned, and he hunches over it protectively. He gets up (he’s wearing his boxers—not the ones he’d been wearing, though—the ones with stars on them), and goes to the bathroom. He takes a piss, washes his face, considers a shower but decides he needs food for that. 

…Spock got food. Spock got a lot of food. Spock cooked a lot of food. Spock cooked a lot of food that smells delicious, and suddenly Jim is starving.

After his shower, he and Spock are going to have a long conversation about boundaries and the exact nature of their relationship and why Spock changed Jim and apparently moved into his apartment, but right now? Right now there are blueberry pancakes and syrup and butter.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cainangrey asked: if you are still doing prompts: when Kirk died, he went to a different universe. Crossover fic with either- sga, stos, stv, stng, or buffy

He opens his eyes. 

"Captain, are you alright?" Spock asks. Spock looks old. Not—not old-old, just, older. And he’s wearing eye shadow. 

Jim stares. How the fuck long was he out? And maybe…maybe he didn’t die?

"I’m fine, Mr. Spock," a voice says behind them, and they both look at…Jim. “Just seem to have…hit my head."

That Jim is also older, apparently not holding a severe grudge agains that greenish-yellow wrap-around shirt, and with brown eyes. Also his hair is terrible. God, he looks like his dad.

"What the hell," Jim says. 

"And who is this?" the-other-Jim asks.

"I had presumed it was you, Captain," not-his-Spock says, standing up. Jim slides up the wall. This isn’t the Enterprise—not his Enterprise, anyway. The tech is all twenty-some years old.

"It is not," not-Jim says, stepping into Jim’s space, studying him. “Though perhaps—what is your name?"

"Kirk. James T. Kirk," Jim says.

"Fascinating," not-Spock breathes. Jim looks between them.

"I’m from an alternate timeline," Jim says. “I—died. And now I’m here." 

"You died, you say?" other-Jim asks. “How?"

"That’s against all of the rules," Jim says, and winces, gripping the inside of his arm. Feels like a bee-sting, but angrier. 

"You died and awoke here," Spock reiterates, exchanging looks with his captain.

"Yeah," Jim says, and it hurts, suddenly. Spock had been crying, and Jim had just wanted to tell him to stop, that it was going to be fine, that—well. Jim lies and Spock deals with it, that’s the nature of their relationship. 

They take him down to medical, where Bones is still gruff as hell but seems to like Spock a little more, does tests and frowns at the results.

"Radiation poisoning when I was born," Jim explains when he frowns for the eighth time, and the other Jim shifts uncomfortably.

"When you were born?" he asks.

"There was an explosion," Jim says. “And a leak in the shuttle."

The other Kirk looks at him strangely. “I was born on the farm," he says. “My mother tripped feeding my grandparents’ pigs."

"…oh," Jim says, and remembers that the old Spock’s Jim had grown up knowing his father. 

"Anything else I should know about?" Bones asks.

"No," Jim says. “Nothing I can think of." 

The tech in medbay is old, too, and he’s tired, suddenly. 

"We’ll get you home," Bones says, squeezing his arm.

"We cannot promise that," Spock disagrees.

"Seriously?" Jim demands, and Spock blinks at him, taken aback. The other Jim smirks behind his hand.

"Your temperature is low," Bones says, frowning. “Real low."

"How low?" Spock asks. 

“233.20 Kelvin," Bones says, squinting unhappily at his monitors. “You should be frozen solid."

"But he’s substantial," the other Jim says, frowning. “Feels normal to the touch."

Jim makes a face: he’s never going to talk like that, maybe that’s what exposure to Spock does to you. Makes you talk like you swallowed a fucking dictionary and went a few rounds with stilted 19th century dialects.

_"We gotta bring him out of it to inject the serum," Bones says._

_"If we do that, we run the risk of further brain injury," Carol argues._

_"Which of us has the medical degree? Bring him out of it."_

Jim frowns. 

"Still with us?" Bones asks.

"I—yeah," Jim says.

“‘Cause you went translucent, there. For a second."

"It’s possible I’m not fully in this universe," Jim hazards.

"Possible?" Spock asks.

_"He is still capable of brain function—"_

_"Can you even HOLD a meld with a corpse? What am I asking, of course you can." Bones mutters. “Alright, that’ll give us a better read on—just don’t die too. I’d have to explain it to the Admirals. And Uhura."_

_"Proceed, doctor."_

“Likely," Jim gasps. 

"Your heart-rate just spiked," Bones says.

"His arm is bleeding," the other Jim says.

_He opens his eyes._


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hah, no one prompted this, I'm just a jerk

Hey what if when Kirk died, and everyone was frantically beaming to Earth to chase Khan to get the blood that might/might not save him, Spock!prime called back.

And Chekov and Sulu kind of look at each other, like, dude, I am not picking up that fucking call and finally Sulu does because he’s got the fucking conn and fine, fine, Chekov, okay? You asshole.

And Spock!prime looks at them and he’s clearly braced for bad news and for a second Sulu’s pissed at him, you know? Because he knew, that asshole, and he just let it happen, let them go in blind. What kind of warning is “great personal cost" or whatever bullshit he spouted—Spock lost his mom in the battle of Vulcan, Sulu lost his roommates, they’ve all had to pay that “great personal cost." 

So that’s what they’d been expecting. 

But not this. 

"Kirk’s dead," Sulu would say, flat, because obviously old-as-balls Spock knows that.

Except imagine Spock!prime hearing that. That in this universe, Jim was in his place. That in this universe, they have a year together, too short of time to mean anything. Not 5 years, not more than that, not the adventures and the loss and growing old, but not even the barest minimum. In this universe, Jim Kirk died before he hit 30. 

Imagine him wondering if, through that first bond, Jim had recognized Spock’s death and prevented it intentionally. Wondering if this is his fault in a million different ways, and having to nod, and thank Sulu for the update.

And Sulu looks at Chekov and Madeline says, from behind them, “I don’t think he thought it was going to be Kirk."

"Well, if Khan kills Spock he can be half right," Sulu says, and doesn’t really give a shit if that sounds bitter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maddiequitecontrary asked: the enterprise bridge crew are attending an official “meet-the-dignitaries" dinner after pike’s memorial where they have to ~socialize~. jim keeps having to deal with talks about pike, harrison etc and just thinks the whole thing is bullshit, and the bridge crew (and of course, spock) comes to the rescue. idk i just have a lot of crew and kirk/spock feels right now.

He doesn’t realize it at first. And by “at first" he means the first fucking week.

Spock is glued to his side, partially, Jim thinks, because he watched Jim die, and partially because he doesn’t trust Jim to stay alive. Which kind of balances to the same thing, but it’s all in the nuances. 

He still feels…not shaky, but not quite right, so he doesn’t really examine the fact that he talks to two people for the week leading up to Pike’s funeral. He’s just relieved. 

At the memorial, though, it’s blindingly obvious. Spock is on one side of him and Uhura presses herself into the other side. Sulu and Bones walk just behind him and Chekov and Scotty walk in front. Scotty rambles at anyone and everyone who looks like they want to approach, and Chekov does this wide-eyed thing that’s a little terrifying, actually. The determined ones, the ones who get through, then deal with Uhura while Spock—well, Jim’s not sure what you would call what Spock is doing unless you called it “trying to kill people with his mind."

Two people get through that, and then somehow Jim winds up yanked into conversation with Bones while Sulu and Uhura start talking like a fucking human shield. 

"This is so inappropriate," Jim mutters to Uhura as they sit down. “So fucking inappropriate." 

"Shut up," she says. “We’re at a funeral."

And that’s just it. They’re at a funeral. Jim sat through memorial services for his father, and then for his mother, and then for Frank, and then his grandparents. Jim knows how to play nice at these, how to look like a grieving son and how to separate yourself from it. Pike’s dead and Jim’s already done his grieving, already put that ghost to bed. 

It’s a military funeral, so there’s no deviating, but after, at the reception, Jim puts his hand on Uhura’s arm, and she scoffs but stops hovering so close, and the rest of them go their own ways, and Jim talks to the Admirals, talks about how they’re going to rebuild Starfleet (again), how the reconstruction is going, how they can apply the transwarp theory to a construction effort.

At the end of the night Jim thinks they’ve gotten somewhere—or he has. He looks at Spock. “A year, tops," he says.

"Gross optimism," Spock replies.

Because everyone else wandered away, made their excuses and left hours ago, but Spock is here, sitting next to Jim, and it’s easy enough to lean their shoulders together while Spock pulls up Fleet schematics and argues about the best way to reorganize officers from the top down.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Snippets of women of the Enterprise: where Gaila survives STXI and nurse Chapel rejoins the Enterprise crew please!

Christine stares at McCoy. “You’re kidding me," she says. 

"No," he says, like it’s reasonable. Like it’s totally reasonable to let the ship’s XO meld with the Captain to try to break a telepathic bond with a planet. 

She should have listened to everyone who warned her that the Enterprise was a little—different. That the crew was great, the best of Starfleet, but that they were all fucking crazy.

She watches, sedative ready, while Jim Kirk (who is still really pretty, A+ would probably bang again) writhes on the biobed, jaw clenched.

It takes three hours for Spock to get him out of it, and in that time Kirk manages to burst the blood vessels in his eyes and around them while giving himself a nose bleed. 

"Here," Gaila says when she walks in, handing her a cup of Romulan Ale. Nyota is already deep into hers, and Christine flops down across Gaila’s bed. 

"What the fuck?" she demands. 

"It’s not always like this," Nyota offers. “I mean. It’s bad, I know, but it’s not always this bad."

"You’re so full of shit," Gaila says. “Christine, we should never have agreed to come aboard this ship."

Nyota laughs. “You both love it, shut up."

"In the last three months I’ve watched a planet telepathically and telekinetically fuck the captain, I’ve seen space sting rays try to eat people’s brains, and there was that really bad case of food poisoning after Scotty thought it was okay for him to touch the synthesizers," Christine lists.

"I’m not even going to say that that’s quiet for us," Nyota muses. “Because you’re going to figure it out." 

“Ugh," Christine tells her, drinking and shuddering, and Gaila laughs. 

"I mean, it’s exciting, that’s for sure," Gaila says, because she spends too much time with Scotty and has always been a little strange. Christine remembers that from school: Gaila’s idea of fun was dangerous to everyone else involved.

"Yeah," Nyota says. “It does have that going for it."

"The eye candy doesn’t hurt," Christine adds, because that’s the benefit to being on a ship with a younger crew, and if she’s going to survive the next five years, she’s going to need to be able to drink with her girls and fuck a couple of pretty boys. That’s just basic survival.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alasse9 asked: I would really love to read a filler scene (between end and epilogue of the movie) where Spock and Kirk are discussing Kahn and there are Tarsus IV references, whether overt or implied… and there is K/S (or K/S/U if you feel comfortable writing it? this movie had SUCH OT3 moments)

Jim is in the office that he took over from Pike. He thinks it might not be healthy, the way he hasn’t taken it over in any sense other than the fact that it’s his ass in the chair. It’s still Pike’s desk, his pictures, his pens, even. Jim did upgrade the computer, though. Pike’s OS was shit.

"I brought dinner from the place down on Irving Street you are fond of," Spock announces, handing Jim a container as he sits on the other side of the desk, opening his own. Spock has decided that if Jim is going to ignore their leave, Spock is entitled to ignore it too. 

Jim hasn’t figured out how to win that fight yet, and it’s a bad idea to get into it with Spock without a battle plan.

The place on Irving Street is a fucking dive, a fusion of South Andorian and Chinese food, and it shouldn’t work but it does, and it’s the best hangover remedy. Jim figures it’ll probably work on the low-grade migraine he’s had since—well. Since he rose from the fucking dead.

"How do you know about Ash’su Xiu?" Jim asks around a mouthful. Needs duck sauce, and Spock hands it to him before he can ask. 

"Nyota," Spock says, “mentioned it was a favorite of yours."

"Oh."

The silence stretches, and Jim sighs. “What?"

"This is not your responsibility." 

"Marcus had people who agreed with him or he would never have gotten as far as he did," Jim says, putting his lunch aside because apparently that was a false offering of peace. “If someone’s not constantly looking for anyone moving in to take advantage, then they do and more people end up dead and if I could have done something and didn’t then—"

"It would still not be your fault," Spock interrupts. “In the same way that Tarsus IV was not your fault."

"I was fourteen then," Jim says, because he’s not even going to get pissed that Spock read his file. Of course Spock read his file. Of course Spock thinks it’s fine to bring this up. 

Jim’s going to throw up.

Spock tilts his head, watching, careful. Jim’d hated that at the beginning. Spock had always seemed like he was waiting for Jim to fuck up, and then they’d had their first off-world mission and Jim just figured Spock didn’t get Jim. Which was kind of cool, since Spock could read just about anybody in .5 seconds. Then it was just frustrating and confusing as fucking hell.

"No one was watching, and a known eugenics theorist got control of a removed colony," Jim says, carefully picking his words. “And a fourteen year old ended up—did you read it was my mom who came? I got a message to her and she came, and they threatened to take her rank from her, and people still died." 

"This is not—"

"A crazy bastard got his way, was given a lot of power, and decided he was going to force his ideology on everybody," Jim says. “I’m not seeing a whole lot of room for nuance, here, Spock." 

He doesn’t want to think about what it says about his family that they seem to be the poor assholes always stuck fighting back, because then he’s going to miss his mom and he just—hasn’t got the time to start the meltdown he really fucking deserves. 

"Do you know what always struck me about Tarsus IV?" Spock asks, and Jim huffs a laugh, dragging his hand over his face.

"No, Spock. What always struck you about Tarsus?" 

"That a fourteen-year-old boy was permitted to be alone. No adults helped him, none of the older children. I remember watching the news with my mother and thinking that it was a societal failure."

"The whole thing was a fucking failure of society."

"Indeed," Spock agrees, and ate another bite of his lunch. “This, on the other hand, is an institutional one."

"No shit."

"So what are we doing about it?" Spock asks, and Jim stares at him. It’s such a weird thing, to remember that he’s part of a crew: that they all—Jim’s really good at being alone. 

"Save the day?" he offers, wry, and Spock nods like that’s reasonable. 

"Finish your lunch," he says. “There is no reason to begin hungry."

Jim picks up his noodles. 

"And I do not wish to devalue the memory of Admiral Pike," Spock continues. “But I do not like the artwork on the walls. I will see if I have anything suitable."

"I might—"

"Pin-up models straddling motorcycles are not appropriate."


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: If you’re still up for it, would you please be able to use this? // The first away mission after the events of XII. Everyone (some people more than others) is trying to stop Kirk from being one of the beam down crew.

He’s not alone in it. They all know it’s pointless, but at least—at least they all agree. Jim Kirk shouldn’t go be on the landing crews.

Leonard tries pointing out that maybe it’s not a great idea, since Jim’s allergic to every fucking thing. That doesn’t work, that just somehow winds up with Leonard having to go. He’s not sure how that went so wrong so quick, but he’s not really _surprised._

Uhura points out that it’s protocol for the first officer and captain to be separated, which ends up with the idea that Spock’s going to stay with the ship and Jim’s going to beam down.

Leonard didn’t know emotionless could do pissed off so fast, but that conversation ended with some iteration of “If you think I’m letting you out of my sight for five minutes, you’re fucking crazy" — only more Vulcan and repressed. 

Thing is, there’s no protocol, and there’s hell of a lot of precedent for Captains going to make first contact. Leonard calls Carol, to see if maybe she’s got something they can use, but she just laughs at him and then it devolves into the kind of private call that isn’t really focused on anyone else. 

"He is who he is," she says, after. “You can’t change that."

"Who he is got him killed," Leonard reminds her, and disconnects.

Uhura comes by later, for drinks. “They’re fighting," she says.

"You gonna get yours, I’ll get mine?" he offers, handing her a finger of whisky.

"Leave them to each other," she sighs, putting her feet up. “No point trying to separate them. Last time I caught Spock with his PADD, arguing through texts." 

"Assholes," Leonard sighs.

"We’ll just have to go," she says. “You know that, right?"

"Yeah," Leonard agrees. “I know." 

And they’re all going to have to go. They’ll take Sulu for his sword, and Spock because if anyone’s going to get Jim to—well. And Uhura to talk them out of whatever, and Leonard to sew them all back together.

He pours some more for both of them, and they drink in silence, pointedly not looking at the biobed where Jim lay dead for too long.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hechu asked: Kirk/Spock, one of those mandatory alien weddings. Because they believe in a Warrior Bond or whatever.

It’s their 17th wedding, and at this point they’re pretty good at it, really. Jim’s written his own vows, he’s pledge to honor and obey, he’s gotten spanked, he walked over coals—at this point, someone starts talking about a “warrior bond" and Spock hands his tricorder to someone else, just in case this one is going to be a little bit more dirty.

This one isn’t. Which is surprising, but nice.

So far.

Their arms have been bound together with a soft, silk-like ribbon, and Jim has a garland of flowers on his head, but at least it’s not spanking (Jim’s still not sure which of them had hated that more—Spock had been livid that he’d had to hurt Jim, and Jim had been—well. He’s up for it on his terms, but corporal punishment hasn’t really ever—well. There are parts of his childhood he doesn’t really want to revisit). 

Spock is drinking his juice, and he keeps looking at Jim and smirking—well. His eyebrow goes up in the way that means he’s really fucking pleased with this turn of events. Jim eats the soft, brilliantly blue fruit in front of him and watches the feats of strength on display. He’s not sure that these guys get that they’re not a warrior race—Starfleet is, even after Nero and Marcus and Khan, still a peace-keeping armada. 

There’s fighting, after, mostly just tests of strength, and wine and Jim is exhausted but Spock’s not really slowing down, so Jim just sort of—falls asleep on him.

Spock can fucking suck it up.

"You’re lucky," the general observes quietly to Spock. Jim’s not awake, but he’s not asleep enough to miss this, though he kind of wishes he could: this is going to be embarassing. “Not many have the stones to sleep around my guys. You must be pretty handy to have around."

"We have been through many battles together," Spock replies.

"Yeah," she agrees. “I know how that looks. Your cabin is just there—tomorrow morning we can talk about Starfleet a little more."

"We are not warlike," Spock tells her. 

"Yeah, but you’d still break my neck if I tried to take him from you," she says. 

"Yes," he agrees, and then, “Jim, come, sleep in a bed."

Jim doesn’t really remember going from one place to another, doesn’t remember falling asleep, or Spock sliding into the bed beside him. 

When he wakes up in the morning, though, they’re tangled together, and Jim stays still, quiet, and thinks, _I’d kill everyone for you._

Maybe 17 is their lucky number.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shiroi-ten asked: You’re taking prompts? :DDD I feel like this has been done before, sorry if it has! I just can’t get enough of it. >.> Kirk/Spock, Spock’s inner thoughts whenever Kirk does that thing with his tongue.

He would not say that he has any particular thoughts on it. 

It is certainly not distracting, a pointedly sexual thing brought out into the everyday. It should be mundane.

But it is impossible to ignore the way that everyone they come into contact with notices it. Presidents and chiefs and councillors and generals alike all pause, watching Jim Kirk’s tongue slide out to wet his lips. It is impossible to ignore the way they are all visibly wondering what it would be like to chase Kirk’s tongue with their own; when they wonder what it would be like to have that mouth on them, or whether or not it would be as giving as it appears.

Spock is a touch-telepath, but sometimes he barely needs touch.

And sometimes.

Sometimes he presses Jim down and bites his lips, holds Jim still and kisses him long and slow and deep, possessive. 

And sometimes.

Sometimes Spock suspects Jim is doing it on purpose.

07/5/13


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Wish to see this prompt: A rough pon-farr sex which maniac lustful Spock was hand-cuffed for safety and Jim rode him to help release his heat. And after first come Spock broke the cuffs (or Jim thought it’s over and unlocked him) and pined down Jim into second round. Love to see out-controlled Spock!

They agreed. Well, Spock insisted and Jim went with it because Bones was saying things about imminent death and arguing with Spock about introducing bondage into their relationship when one of them was literally out of his mind wasn’t going to happen.

So Jim had cuffed Spock’s wrists to the bed, and then his ankles, and he hadn’t said one damn word about how it wasn’t going to hold.

He’d thought it. 

But he hand’t said it.

Mostly because he’d been distracted by the dick up his ass. 

The thing is, they’d talked about it, as much as they could. Spock didn’t seem to really know what to expect except that it was a biological imperative, so he was probably going to be mindless and condoms were going to be a no-go. Jim’s made a lot of bad choices before: this isn’t going to be a whole lot different, and at least he actually likes Spock.

But he hadn’t banked on how fucking hot it was going to be, his fingers curling against Spock’s green-flushed chest, rolling his hips and taking, selfish, chasing his own orgasm while Spock made snarling noises under him, words of encouragement and pleading lost when Jim slid fingers between Spock’s lips. Spock came hard before Jim got there, but it he didn’t go soft at all, so Jim kept slamming himself back down, so close to the fucking edge.

It hits him hard, always does, but he thinks what throws him over the edge is that Spock just came in him again, or maybe is still coming, but Jim’s thighs are soaked, dripping and filthy, and when he climbs off he kind of—well.

He needs a second.

He doesn’t get one, not really. He’s laying there, and then there are fingers in his ass.

Later, he won’t be able to pinpoint when—Spock might have gotten loose while Jim was riding him, just didn’t do anything because—well. Spock’s fucking sneaky when he wants to be.

But now, now Spock has shifted down, spreading Jim’s ass and playing with his come, pushing everything that slipped out back in, sliding his fingers in and out, stretching and crooking and teasing and it’s too much, too soon. Jim buries his face the pillow and groans, torn between the impulse to push back to get those fingers deeper, and the instinct to pull away, to get rest where he can.

He thinks he falls asleep, or maybe he just passes out. Spock is still down there, fingers keeping Jim ready, but Jim loses track of time for a while. 

But then Spock’s fingers holding Jim open, sliding in and out, slick with come and lube. There’s purpose there, behind the movements, in the way he’s settling himself over Jim, and Jim rolls over to look up at him.

Spock surges up Jim’s body to kiss him, and Jim’s body goes from maybe-interested to completely on board so fast he’s light-headed. Spock’s hands go to Jim’s knees, bending him up, sliding into Jim in a slick, easy slide. 

It doesn’t stay that way for long, the languid strokes giving way to sharp, hard thrusts. He covers Jim’s body with his, bracketing him, pressing his lips to Jim’s cheekbone, elbows hooked under Jim’s knees and Jim can’t breathe. The sounds coming out of his mouth are choked, high and needy but he can’t find a word in there anywhere, not when Spock shifts himself up onto his knees over Jim, still buried inside him, and Jim shifts, just a little, just wants to move but Spock’s hand is on his throat, pushing him back down into the bed. 

Spock leaves his hand there while he adjusts the angle, not pressing or choking, not really, just holding Jim down, and Jim stays where Spock puts him because that fucking jackass is hitting Jim’s prostate pretty consistently, and Jim already came once, and he’s not the one hopped up on hormonal aphrodisiacs so he’s not really looking for a second orgasm for another hour or so, but his dick is hard and leaking against his stomach, pressed between them and almost painful. It’s too much, it’s just—if Jim could just get his hand between—

"No," Spock snarls, the first word he’s managed in hours. He leans up, grips Jim’s wrists and slams them up over his head, fumbling for something and then—well. Okay, so now Jim’s the one handcuffed to the bed. 

“Mine," Spock says, sucking at Jim’s lower lip before biting it. He bites his way down Jim’s neck, doesn’t stop fucking him, either. The need to come is a burn, now, electricity up and down his spine and he wants—this wasn’t—he wasn’t supposed to need so much, but god, he wants Spock’s come, wants him to just let Jim come, please, please—

"No," Spock snarls again, and Jim chokes out an honest-to-god sob. He rolls his hips, trying to meet every thrust, but Spock’s so much stronger, his pace is so much more than Jim can—all Jim can do is just take it.

"Please, please," Jim pants, blunt fingertips pressing into Spock’s back, his shoulders, short fingernails trying to find purchase, anything. “Spock, please." 

He doesn’t know what Spock’s waiting for, and if this shit is about a biological imperative and he’s waiting for some kind of pregnancy feedback they’re totally fucked, because Jim’s got the wrong body for that. 

When he comes again it’s a wrenching, heaving thing, no build-up teased out, just a sudden, abrupt crescendo, and Spock is still thrusting, his mouth sliding along whatever he can reach, biting down at random, like it’s all overload, too much. 

"Spock," Jim says, because it has to hurt. Spock’s come—three times? and he’s still so hard, lost to this temporary insanity, and Jim won’t say it’s not in his top 5 fucks, but—

And then Spock is coming, body tensing over Jim, while his hips spasm against Jim’s ass.

"Holy shit," Jim groans.

"Are you—" Spock manages, and Jim laughs, or, well, tries to. It’s hard to get that kind of lung capacity at the moment. 

"Yeah," Jim says, and Spock sighs, and then starts snoring. And Jim’s fucked out and he feels like he’s got so much come in him that he’s going to be leaking for the next seven fucking years so he really should clean up, but—well. It’s not like the whole bed isn’t a wet spot anyway, and he’s fucking exhausted.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tirsynni asked: Regarding your prompt request and also the knowledge that Chris Pine can sing…if you don’t mind, maybe a drabble about Spock finding out that Kirk can not only sing but is stunningly shy about it? 0:)

He comes to slowly. He remembers—violence. A hostile planet and taking blows meant for the captain, and then enduring further abuse for his efforts.

His eyes are swollen shut, and his bones—well, they are not all broken, but most of them, perhaps, are. He is too sore to take accurate inventory.

It takes him a long time to realize that the noise in the background is singing. Something quiet and Terran, not unlike those songs his mother sang when he had a fever or after she’d had a fight with his father.

It takes him longer still to realize that his head is cushioned in someone’s lap, and that a hand is pressed into his chest, pressure helping to alleviate, in some small way, the pain.

He does not know if Kirk is singing to him, or is just singing to himself, a small comfort deep in a cell. He finds he cannot string complex thoughts together, and instead turns his head, just a little, so that he can hear better.

The songs keep him grounded, even as Kirk’s voice fades, grows hoarse. If he can hear the melody, he can convince himself it will all be fine.

He loses track of time, and then he’s waking to McCoy’s gruff concern and the familiar sounds of the med bay.

"You have an excellent singing voice," he tells Kirk, who is on the bed beside him, and Kirk gives him a strange look, embarrassed and trapped, though Spock cannot see any reason for that to be the case. 

"Yeah, Jim doesn’t sing," McCoy snorts, and Spock looks between them, the confidence with which McCoy makes that announcement and the way that Kirk is now avoiding Spock’s gaze altogether.

He does not pursue it, because Spock has long-since learned that that it is a folly to argue with McCoy if Kirk is not going to correct him. 

But he finds himself humming bits and pieces, and slowly words come to him, bits and phrases frowns at him. This very hour come go with me, he hears as he settles to meditate.

Please give me time to fix my heart and change my mind comes to him as he gets dinner, and My doom is fixed I’m summoned to hell hits him as he steps onto the bridge.

It makes him—it becomes a fixation. A strange thing, because while most crew members hum or sing or whistle, Kirk is silent. Well, not silent. He talks quite a bit. But he does not make extraneous noise. 

“Conversation with Death," Kirk says, standing in the turbo with him four months later. “That was the song. The one you keep humming."

Spock blinks at him: he had been unaware he had been humming at all. “I see."

"My mom used to sing it to me," Kirk explains, his eyes fixed on the level indicator. “Before she would leave, the night before she’d sing that song." 

Spock does not follow him to Engineering.

He looks it up, later. It is a sad, strange song, and the recording that sounds most like what Jim sang was recorded in the early 20th century. It is five minutes long, and the woman singing is clearly old, her voice cracking and pausing over the lyrics. It has its own kind of charm, but it is not—Jim sang it better.

There are books Spock cannot read, songs he cannot hear, without thinking of his mother. He realizes he does not know if Winona Kirk is alive, or if she died. He does not know if Jim drew strength from that song, or if it was a quiet acceptance of the inevitability of death. It surprises him, a little, that he wants to know the answer.

[(the song)](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pSf4-DCDtkc)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dee-evan asked: Kirk/Spock mpreg? Kirk preggers.

"You are not pregnant," Spock said.

 

Dr. McCoy made the exact expression he used when sampling non-Terran foods and then turned to prod at the monitors, scanning Kirk’s body for the eighth time. He was focused intently on the results.

"He is not," Spock repeated, because it was becoming rapidly clear that he was the only one who was going to stand in the way of this insanity.

"Oh my god, are you pregnant?" Sulu demanded, sitting on the neighboring biobed and folding his arms across his abdomen. “Am I pregnant?"

His concern was logical, Spock thought. Sulu had been with the captain for the entire time they had been on the planet.

"You’re not pregnant," McCoy said, and then, just when the room was letting out what Spock felt was a collective breath of relief, “Sulu. Sulu: you aren’t pregnant."

"Can everybody stop saying that word?" Kirk demanded through gritted teeth.

"Well, fine. Jim, you’re with goddamn child," Dr. McCoy said. “And it’s got Vulcan DNA."

"I didn’t fuck your boyfriend," Kirk told Nyota hastily as she raised her eyebrows at them. Spock felt this was unfair: he had done nothing to merit such a look. “Bones, what the fu—"

"He’s pregnant?" Sulu demanded. “How—no, how?"

"A question we would all like to know the answer to, Lieutenant Sulu," Spock said, and looked at Kirk, who was staring at his abdomen in horror.

"I don’t know, do I? How the hell am I supposed to know how you grew a uterus?" he demanded of Kirk, who glared.

"You’re the doctor, if anyone knows—"

"Captain, permission to go down to the planet to speak with their leader," Nyota said. “Maybe it was something he ate?"

"Mutant uterus," Sulu muttered, and then, “Permission to go with her."

"Granted," Spock said when it became clear Kirk was too busy staring at Dr. McCoy to make a decision. “Jim?"

 

"Fuck my actual life," Jim groaned.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Kirk and Spock have a very longstanding rivalry as head chefs of famous restaurants that are right across the street from each other

Jim cooks food people want to eat. His restaurant is famous because it’s an institution, it gets featured on all of those Food Network shows about the best burgers and the best home cooking, and he refuses to take reservations because that’s what the douche across the street does.

Spock is the head chef at Starfleet, a pretentious place where the food is about the size of a nickel and also freeze-dried and inedible, but people cream themselves to get on the waiting list because, Jim doesn’t even know, it’s fucking avant-garde or some shit. 

Spock makes beautiful, delicate semi-edible concoctions that Jim makes faces at when they’re featured on some bullshit program, like The Today Show. 

And the thing about Spock is that he’s all long lines and delicate wrists and fingers and he looks like he’s about 7 minutes away from starving.

"Let me in," he says to Uhura, who eyes the take-out container and then opens Starfleet’s doors for him. Frosted fucking glass, what a pretentious dick.

"What?" Spock says, up to his elbows in…well, it looks like wasabi, but with Spock who the fuck knows, it could be fucking ketchup. 

"Eat," Jim says, and the sous chefs all side-eye him. “It’s a fucking veggie burger, even though it killed me to put that shit on my grill, and there are french fries with vinegar because you’re a heathen."

"I’m very busy," Spock says, prissy, because apparently even though Jim was the one who got dumped the day after they graduated, Spock’s the one who gets to be an asshole about it.

"Suck it," Jim says, and fists his hand in Spock’s perfectly ironed chef’s coat and hauls him into the dining area.

"This is incredibly—" Spock starts, and then cuts off when Jim pushes him into a chair. “Incredibly inappropriate," he insists.

"You look like a fucking skeleton," Jim says, and Spock stares at him.

Because really, JIm should be pissed, and still avoiding Spock, and being hurt that he was thrown aside as soon as Spock got a job offer at the restaurant of his dreams. But Jim’s good at Enterprise, and he thinks that Spock’s just really bad at people. 

So Jim’s going to forgive him with food if he has to shove it down Spock’s throat himself.

"Thank you," Spock mumbles, like if he says it around enough french fries Jim won’t hear him.

"You’re an asshole," Jim replies, and eats his own burger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> have plans to expand on this


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> shakdevi asked: HI! I saw you wrote a ficlet of Bones’ POV for Into The Darkness… I was wondering if you would do an Uhura’s POV? Maybe please? :) I’ve always wondered what she thought about Spock’s and Kirk’s interactions…

They take it in shifts. Sitting with him. 

Spock has the first one, once McCoy lets them back into the bay, and she won’t say that it’s snarling, what he does in Carol Marcus’s direction, but she’s not saying it isn’t, either.

When Kirk gets transferred to Starfleet Medical, Nyota joins forces with McCoy’s to kick Spock out, making him go and take a shower and sleep, call his father to let him know he’d survived, report to the admiralty. 

She thinks he did two of the four.

She sits, watching Kirk’s body struggle to breathe on its own as McCoy carefully doses him with Khan’s blood. He has dozens of vials of it in his medical kit, and she has more in her bag, and she thinks Spock has some as well. He’s synthezised the antibodies, done things she doesn’t quite understand, and his face is drawn as he carefully doles out the concoction. 

"Asshole," McCoy mutters when Jim coughs, and then writhes fitfully on the bed, and Nyota sighs.

On the fifth day, when Kirk is reliably staying awake for more than five minutes, she’s there when he opens his eyes.

"Hey," he croaks.

"Asshole," she replies, and he grins at her, the same grin he gave her a lifetime ago when they first met.

"Spock won’t tell me what happened," Kirk says, and she’s not surprised that he’s talking about Spock first. 

"He almost killed Har—Khan. With his bare hands."

"Oh," he says. “So now he’s pouting?"

"I had to threaten him with bodily harm to get him to take a shower," she confesses, and he rolls his eyes in sympathy.

She doesn’t know how to say, “I’m sorry you were so afraid." or “I’m sorry he couldn’t find the words to make you feel less alone." or “I’m sorry I didn’t get there faster, so I could be with you." She doesn’t think he would have wanted her there, that the person he got was the one he wanted, and she’s not thinking about that, either. About the way that Spock couldn’t grieve for his mother in the middle of a crisis, couldn’t grieve for himself or for Admiral Pike but for Jim he could carve out entire minutes to scream his rage, his grief, his longing.

They’ll talk about it, once Kirk is up and laughing and harassing them all. She’ll make Spock sit down and won’t let him leave until they’re done, once she’s thought about it. Because this could go a lot of ways. Spock could be in love with Kirk—as far as she knows she’s Spock’s first relationship, so that doesn’t preclude bisexuality. Spock could just love Kirk, the way you love a best friend, the way you love your person. She just—she needs time to think about it, and then she needs to get Spock to explain his side of things, and then they can come to a decision about moving forward.

But right now, Kirk is looking out the window. 

"Has anyone told you—" she starts, frowning, and then cuts herself off. There’s no PADD in this room, no phone, no tablet, no TV. “Has anyone told you what happened?"

"I get bits and pieces," he says, and she sits back and thinks that this is part of being communications officer. She tells him about the destruction, about the further loss of life at Starfleet Academy, which was devastated already by the Battle of Vulcan. She tells him about the way the admiralty can’t decide who to be more furious with, about the way that Spock has been trying to keep all of the questions at bay while Kirk recovers, and then she has to shove him back down onto the bed, because that makes him furious. McCoy runs in, shouting that _this shit right here was why I didn’t want anyone saying a goddamn thing!_

McCoy kicks her out, and when she goes back in the morning Kirk is gone, and Spock has left a message on her PADD:

**Kirk meeting with Admirals. Shall monitor.**

She sighs, leaning her head back against the headboard and closing her eyes. This isn’t supposed to be their job, managing the Fleet. That it isn’t fair that they were sacrificed to the ego of a warmongering maniac, had to save the day, lose their captain, and now, now they have to fix everything. 

She picks up her comm to start letting the rest of the crew know that their reprieve is over: they’re going back to war.

07/1/13


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> saidshakerattleandroll asked: umm so you were asking for prompts? I'm a big fan of your writing, have been for a while even though I just found you on tumblr...I was wondering what you thought of Bones' reaction to Jim's death? (Not in a romantic way unless you feel that way) But on a K/S note STID seemed like a lot of PiningforSpock!Kirk (and that could mean he spills food on himself like Chris Pine does, there's an interview about it) and I would love to see your take on that? Regardless I'll like what you write for STID.

The thing is, Jim’s been a lot of things, but homewrecker isn’t one of them.

So he’s not going to do anything about it.

But that doesn’t mean he’s not stupidly in—never mind. 

Spock and Uhura are good for each other, or—well, Spock might not be good enough for her, actually, but that’s not Jim’s call to make, and they’ve lasted a year and—and Uhura knows, she has to know. But she also knows Jim’s not going to do anything, and so she doesn’t treat him any differently.

Which is great, except when she pulls him into their arguments. Makes Jim on her side, and he doesn’t want that, doesn’t want to be included, even though God, that’s a lie, he does. He just doesn’t want her included.

Which is shitty, so then he goes back to this place of feeling hollowed-out, and he’s captain, right? So there’s literally no one he can fuck, which means every time they go somewhere he feels like he’s fighting the clock to get it all out of his system. 

And having feelings doesn’t preclude him from having sex and enjoying it, but it does make going back harder, because he bets Spock is amazing in bed. 

And it’s worse—it’s the worst. Because Jim wants Spock to like him, to think well of him—Jim doesn’t know what he’s doing half of the time and so when he wakes up (revives? Rises from the dead?) Bones tells him that Spock almost killed Khan. 

Tells him that he’s been at Jim’s side the whole time, and Jim thinks yeah, we’re friends because he’d gotten that much out of Spock: won it with his dying breath.

Friends, he thinks as Spock walks in. 

He can do friends.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fiercynn asked: any chance you are still taking post-STID prompts? Because I would love love love to see your versions of Sarek and/or Sybok reacting to hearing about the events of the movie. Possibly by calling Spock. Mostly I just love your Sarek and Sybok, okay.

When Spock finally goes to his apartment, he finds it clean. Recently dusted, with bread baking in the oven and the scent of citrus in the air. 

His stomach drops.

"When did you arrive?" he asks, toeing off his shoes and hanging his satchel up. His comm he puts into his pocket: Dr. McCoy had been quite explicit about Spock leaving, but if something should happen, Spock would hate to miss the call.

"Two hours ago," Sybok says. “Then I had to go grocery shopping."

"I have been in space, I did not think keeping perishables was wise," Spock points out. “Also, on a point of interest I should note that I did not give you a key."

"What’s a little B&E between brothers?" Sybok demands, and Spock steps into the kitchen, because if he’s going to speak with Sybok, he needs to be able to glare at him. 

Sybok looks well, aside from the curls and the terrible beard. His eyes are alight and he is covered in flour, and he seems quite content with the world. 

Which is dangerous.

"You have quite a bit of pain," Sybok observes.

"I watched our mother die and then Pike, and then Jim, and—"

"No, it was the last one, it just spiked," Sybok says, because Sybok has never believed in privacy, especially where Spock is concerned, and so him using his empathy against Spock is not, actually, surprising. “Jim Kirk died? I thought the reports said he was just hurt."

"That is what the reports said," Spock agrees, weary, suddenly, of the cover-ups and the careful phrasing. Nyota had been in meetings developing their party lines, making sure that no one found out about Harrison’s true identity, or what a vial of his blood could do. 

Spock had sat beside Jim’s bed while McCoy had overridden everyone at Starfleet Medical, monitoring Jim’s induced coma himself. There had been a very strange bond, the two of them as planets circling a sun whose future was in doubt. 

"So he lived, though," Sybok says, handing Spock a cup of tea. Earl Grey, weak and milky and too sweet, the way Amanda drank it. 

"He did," Spock agrees.

"And you’re in love with him," Sybok says. 

"And I’m in love w—" Spock agrees, and then stops, because no. That is not—

"Shit, Spock," Sybok groans, scrubbing his hands over his face. “Okay. Look. I get that this family is really bad about, well. Actually just you and Dad, Mandy was great at it and I’m super-fantastic in the feelings department. You two just couch things in half-truth logic like sneaky repressed fuckheads."

"Sybok," Spock snaps, wrapping both of his hands around the mug of tea.

"It’s not fair to her," Sybok says, because Sybok was the only one Spock had told about Nyota, had laughed and sent Spock links to student/teacher-themed porn. Sybok likes Nyota—though Sybok likes everyone.

"I still am very—Nyota is—"

"Not Jim Kirk, who you almost killed a man for," Sybok finishes gently. He takes Spock’s hands in his, fond. “People can change, you know? Love isn’t something that’s necessarily forever."

"Sybok—"

"Are you okay, though?" Sybok asks, wrenching the conversation in a different direction, likely just because Spock was finally comfortable with it.

“‘Okay’ has multiple definitions," Spock replies.

"Yeah," Sybok sighs. “That’s kind of what I thought."


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: prompt: they are all werewolves, kirk has no pack, spock comes from a super conservative one (pick and choose elements?)

They make it out of the compound, but apparently winter arrives in the space of hours on this planet, because there are four inches of snow on the ground and more coming down. 

"Well shit," Kirk mutters behind him, and Spock has to agree. They’ve been stripped to their underwear, because apparently the locals were afraid they could use their trousers as weapons. It was a strange people, one moment warm and friendly the next—oh. Perhaps something about the weather triggered their hostilities? Fascinating.

However, this is not the time to consider it, and Spock turns around at the sound of footsteps.

It takes his eyes a moment to make sense of what he is seeing: a wolf. A wolf snarling and savagely attacking the five guards who followed them—and where is Kirk?

Everything goes still, and the wolf tilts its head at Spock as though to say, Well? Run.

It has blue-grey blood dripping from its white muzzle, and it is a magnificent creature, but Spock is not leaving without Kirk. 

Except that the wolf crouches down, baring its teeth in a snarl, and okay, yes, apparently Spock is leaving without Kirk. 

The wolf sneezes, and appears annoyed, herding Spock along. He’s freezing, and the snow beneath his feet is making him lethargic. The wolf snaps at his heels, and Spock considers laying down and letting it eat him. He’s about to do it when the wolf starts to growl, a deep, menacing thing.

Two more people spill their blue-grey blood into the snow, and the wolf goes back to herding Spock into—oh. A clearing.

They are immediately beamed up, and Spock starts to say, “No, that’s a wolf, we have to go back for Kirk—"

Except that it isn’t. Kirk walks off of the platform, comfortable in his nudity, blue-grey blood spattered over his hands and face, and McCoy is glaring at him but passing him over to address Spock’s hypothermia. 

Spock stares at the landing pad, aware of the fact that he’s shaking from the cold, and then looks at McCoy.

"Eyes can play tricks on you in a tense situation like that," McCoy observes, careful and strangely kind.

"No," Spock disagrees. “No, I do not believe that was the case."

He and the captain are going to have a long talk, as soon as Spock can feel his extremities.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> boragato asked: Btw, are you still accepting STID ficlet-prompts? If so, I'd love to see your take on the moment Jim sees Pike's dead.

He wants to say he wasn’t expecting it. That from the moment in the bar when Pike called him “Son" something in him didn’t scream He’s going to die! 

And for a second, he can pretend because Spock’s there, and if Spock is there then…then it should be fine. Because Jim stopped the bastard, and Spock’s job is to take care of their people while Jim…fucks shit up. 

That’s the rule. 

Only no. Nope. 

And he wants to run, it’s instinct to run, but then he’s beside Spock and feeling for himself, even though it’s obvious he’s dead. And it’s listening to the Kelvin audio again, and fuck, fuck, the Kirks who don’t die are doomed to lose everyone, he’s going to lose—

And he can’t even finish the thought, because there’s grief you can allow yourself and there are thoughts that you bury, and so he gets up, holds onto Spock (alive, impossible and alive), and then goes to work.

Because that’s what you do. You mourn, and then you get the fucking job done, and you keep moving. 

And if you run fast enough? You can pretend the losses don’t hurt.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: What would it be like for Jim the first time he walks into engineering and sees the place where he died?

He does it alone. 

They’re spacedocked, repairs are underway, but Bones just hypo’d Scotty into sleep and the rest of the engineers are taking some well-deserved time, so Jim’s alone.

He thinks—he thought he’d feel something. He died. He didn’t just threaten to do it, he did it. It’s not like the cliff at home, it’s not like the floor of that bar where he drank himself stupid and almost asphyxiated on his own vomit. It’s not like Tarsus, and it’s not like Hoth, and it’s not like the Narada.

Well. 

Except that it is. Because he doesn’t feel anything. He’s mostly aware that he should, or—or that people think he should. But mostly—mostly it’s just something else he walked away from, and if he held all of them in reverence, he’d never fucking accomplish anything.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anonymous asked: Kirk/Spock, semi-au where they've met before in previous lifetimes and it always, always, didn't work out, but this current life is the one that counts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: major character death, graphic depictions of violence
> 
> (also i really play fast-and-loose with history, so don't get too wrapped up in the accuracy aspect, okay? okay)

**1\. Ancient Rome, Earth**

"I'll protect you, if that's what you're worried about," Jim says.

"I hardly require it," Spock points out, and Jim squints into the distance, at the army on the horizon. 

"Mm," Jim agrees, and Spock thinks Mars will smile on him, the way that the gods have always smiled at Jim. The last time they marched together in battle Spock had been struck down and Jim had found him among the corpses on the battlefield, cauterized the wound and brought him back. Spock thinks it is an indignity he is never going to live down. 

"Just don't lose me this time," Jim says. "This time it might not be so easy to uncover you from the bodies."

Spock would reply, but the signal is given, and they're charging, screaming into battle for the glory of Rome. 

\--

He cannot find Jim. No one has seen him, no one recalls even seeing him in battle, which is absurd. Jim shines out, beautiful and terrible and gods-touched. 

\--

He finds Jim's breastplate first, and that's when he knows. It's warped, on one side, and rust-stained, and Spock has to pause for a moment--just a moment, so he can catch his breath. He keeps searching, and finds him pressed against a fallen horse, tunic balled against his side. His skin is too white, and his eyes are closed, though his chest--he's still breathing, at least.

"You at least did me the courtesy of being easy to find," Spock says, cradling Jim close in his arms. Jim laughs, a wretched, wet thing that makes him seize up, brings blood to his lips. The horse smells horrible.

"Well," Jim manages. "I'm thoughtful that way."

Spock adjusts his grip, his fingers sliding on Jim's skin. "This was not--"

"Yeah, well," Jim says. "When the Gods want you, they want you."

"You're an ass," Spock tells him, and kisses him, hard and desperate and thinking this was not enough time. This was five years, and not enough. "And I love you."

"I love you too," Jim manages, the words faint and fading, like morning mist. 

"I will love you beyond death" he breathes against Jim's still lips, and some small part of him thinks the Gods might take pity, might take his breath and give it to Jim.

But they don't. 

*  
 **2\. The Dark Ages, Europe, Earth**

"That's the king?" Jim asks Gaila, who pinches him in the side. 

"Yes," she says, and then abandons him for the cluster of ladies who are fanning themselves and drinking out of delicate glasses while they watch the court as though it were an amusing diversion.

The king is not...really as described. He's tall and thin, with black hair and sharp eyes, and Jim's gaze lingers too long because Sulu leans over and says,

"If he were a woman, I'd think you entranced."

"Startled at the lack of paunch," Jim demurs, and Sulu laughs, pushes a goblet into Jim's hand. 

"You've been north too long," Sulu says, drinking. "The rumors are vicious, as the Marcuses would like to see the Graysons off the throne. Though I hear the daughter is lovely."

"Too good for you," Jim agrees, and takes care that his eyes don't drift, don't stare too long. He's been in the north because his perversions are easier to hide, there, but a royal summons is a royal summons, and not even Jim is stupid enough to ignore one. "I've been away too long, what should I know?"

"The Sorens are angling for a marriage, and good money says they'll get it. She's of the faith, and they were childhood companions."

"Well, a wedding will be...festive." 

"Maybe we'll have a nice little war for you, Kirk," Sulu says.

At least a war would get him out of court. 

\--

Jim hates court. He hates the game playing, he hates the farce, he hates the way everyone is simultaneously the most pious and most depraved human on the face of God's earth. Jim gets drunk. A lot.

Which is why he's completely unprepared when the King walks into his rooms. 

"I would bow," Jim tells him earnestly. "But I would never get back up again." 

"Is this how you subdued the heretics?" the King asks. "By drunkenly slurring at them?"

"There were also some songs," Jim says, and bites down on the urge to say that he took one of those heretics to bed, and he's never been fucked that well since. 

"Hm," the King says, and pours himself a draught. "Do you play primero?"

"Well?" Jim asks, and the King smirks and pulls out a deck. 

Jim thinks it's not fair.

\--

It doesn't get better. Spock decides he likes Jim, despite all Jim does to be as unlikeable as possible. Kirks are suddenly in favor, and Jim wants to scream or kiss him or throw himself off the tower, but he doesn't. He sits and listens to Spock talk about his wedding night and then later about his wife's pregnancy. They go hunting and Jim finds himself in on council meetings, running a country for the love, not of a king, but the man. 

And it's killing him. It's killing him to hold Spock's daughter, and then later his son, to stand as Godfather to both of them. 

"Tell me what's wrong," Spock pleads one day, more than a decade after they've met when Jim isn't young, not anymore, feels far older than 35. Spock's fur cape is around his shoulders, and he's holding Jim tightly, and it hurts. It's like fire eating him from within, terrible and all-consuming.

"Do you really not know?" Jim asks, drunk and reckless, soaking from where he stumbled into the lake through the ice. 

"It's a sin," Spock finally says, soft against Jim's cheek. "Can this--can this not be enough?" 

Jim closes his eyes. He's cold, and he's tired, and it's so much easier to fall asleep.

*

**3\. Pre-Reformation Vulcan**

Spock drags his spear behind him, and looks to the sky again. He is going the right way, he knows it: this is north, the twin stars tell him so. He knows Vulcan's skies, and he is going home, to his people. 

It takes him four days, and when he arrives they fall over him, pressing wines and kisses and hungry, bruising fingers into his skin. 

"Jim is here," Christine says, and Spock frowns. Jim has no purpose here: their clans are not warring. 

Jim is leaning in the doorway, talking to Stonn. When Spock approaches Jim shifts, raising a hand in greeting, and Spock pauses, abruptly. Jim's eyes, he thinks, look the same as the stars that led Spock home. 

"You live yet," Jim says.

"You need not sound so displeased," Spock replies, and they step away from those gathered, though Spock would like nothing more than to sleep. 

"I am not," Jim says. 

"You wish to know what I heard of Surak."

"Yes," Jim agrees, and Spock tells him, tells him that their days are numbered, and their way of life will soon fade from Vulcan, and tries not to think about what it might be like to sink into Jim, to press their mouths together, to see Jim's eyes light up like supernovas for Spock. To truly know what it would mean to come home to that.

*

**4\. The Western Front, Europe, 1917**

No one wants to go over the trenches, because command is fucked and and the Germans have a way of shooting them down in their tracks the moment they surface.

But it's here, the big push, and Jim looks at Sulu, and at Chekov, who's just a kid, and shouldn't be here at all, and they look back at him, jaws set and eyes afraid.

"Charge!" comes the call, and they're vaulting over, and then it's just burning pain. 

He flickers in and out of consciousness, but he thinks they've lost, the Germans have the day, and it's a miserable fucking feeling, that it's all been for nothing. 

He wakes up to burning pain along his side, and a man standing over him. There's a whole lot of German, but Jim never took it in school, so he just blinks hazily at the guy. Why isn't he dead? He wanted--that's what getting shot _means_ , it means you die. Not this bullshit.

He waves his hand at the guy--just leave him to finish bleeding out. There's a sharp voice from across the way, and the German looks back down at Jim. He has really dark, sad eyes. It's a weird fucking thing to notice. It's a weird fucking thing to want to make him less sad.

Shit, Jim doesn't want to be a POW. He won't make it anyway, if they move him, and he tries to bleed faster, or something. 

"Nein," the German says, and then he lifts his gun, bayonet attached, and says, in heavily accented English, "Forgive me."

The pain is unbelievable, and then there's nothing, but the last thought Jim has is: _I know you._

*  
 **5\. Earth Solar System Stardate 2259.08**

Jim is dying, and Spock cannot reach him. He cannot offer him comfort, or serenity, or anything but Spock's own tears, his understanding. _You are my friend._

And then there is nothing but rage, and loss, and all the words he might have said, all the things he was starting to feel, to think about voicing, there is no point thinking about them anymore. 

*  
 **and the one lifetime it worked**

He doesn't say it, because--because their relationship is already bizarre enough. But sometimes, it's weird, the way Spock just...gets things. The way they click in certain ways and it's so easy. But there's deja vu and then there's whatever the fuck this is, and now, four years into their five year mission...

There's this sense of urgency. Spock and Uhura broke up two years ago, mutually and like adults in a way that Jim can't quite fathom, and Jim and Spock are--well. It's not flirting, but it's something. And Jim can't shake the feeling that they have to get it right, this time. That he's loved Spock before, and lost him over and over again. It's stupid, and likely extremely petty, but Jim can't help it.

So when Spock kisses him, sighing into it with his hands on Jim's face, it feels like a answer to a question they've been asking for thousands of years. It feels like making good on a promise.

**Author's Note:**

>  **Blanket Permission:** go ahead and translate, make podfic, rework the fic, or do whatever other transformative work you can think of. If the work is hosted on another site, drop me a comment or email and I'll put a link in the story notes!
> 
> [twitter:](https://twitter.com/waldorph) for unfiltered me || [tumblr:](http://waldorph.tumblr.com/) less about me, more about the pretty gifsets and art


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